CLARION, Pa. (NOT) – Defying all logic and several zoning laws, the vacant lot at the corner of 5th and Main Street – former site of Bob’s Sub – will soon become the permanent home of the Autumn Leaf Festival’s most popular attraction: The Gravitron.

“People kept saying they missed Bob’s subs, but they really miss getting nauseous on an empty stomach,” explained Borough Council President Carol LaPinto. “This feels like a natural solution.”
The controversial move comes after a survey revealed that 87% of Clarion University students couldn’t tell the difference between post-Bob’s Sub heartburn and post-Gravitron disorientation.

The permanent installation will operate year-round, offering locals the unique opportunity to experience carnival-grade centrifugal force regardless of season. Winter operations will include heated waiting areas and complementary motion sickness bags.

“Think about it – where else can you spin at 24 rpm while watching snow fall?” said project coordinator Tim Johnson. “It’s like a snow globe, except you’re the snow.”

Local businessman Dave Sherman sees economic potential in the venture. “Sure, we lost a beloved sub shop, but now we’ll have the only year-round Gravitron between Pittsburgh and Erie. That’s got to count for something in the tourism brochures.”

The ride will maintain its traditional $5 ticket price, though a newly introduced “Spin Pass” will offer unlimited monthly rides for $49.99. Clarion University students can use their flex dollars, provided they sign an extensive waiver.

“We’re also partnering with local restaurants,” Johnson added. “Buy a meal downtown, get a free spin. Though we do recommend waiting at least 30 minutes after eating.”

Critics argue that a permanent Gravitron might diminish the special appeal of the Autumn Leaf Festival, but supporters counter that nothing says “small-town charm” quite like a perpetually spinning spaceship in the middle of downtown.

The Gravitron is scheduled to begin operations on April 1, with a grand opening ceremony featuring a ribbon-cutting by whoever can walk in a straight line after a three-minute ride.

“We’re just trying to fill a void in the community,” Mills concluded. “And what better way than with a ride that makes everything else spin?”

Local meteorologists are already adjusting their weather forecasts to include “chance of flying debris” when wind speeds exceed 20 mph.