CLARION, Pa. (NOT) — Local Facebook prayer warrior and self-appointed guardian of divine intellectual property, Karen Bergtau, has launched an aggressive campaign against a satirical article about Hope Rising Church’s alleged Mountain Dew baptisms, including multiple attempts to email Heaven’s customer service department.

“As a Christian mother of three who has a Live, Laugh, Love sign in every room of my house, I am APPALLED by this FAKE NEWS about DEW baptisms,” Bergtau wrote in her 47th comment of the morning, accidentally using her essential oils business account. “Hope Rising would NEVER replace holy water with caffeinated beverages, even though their current water does taste suspiciously like Mountain Lightning.”

Bergtau’s crusade against the article includes:

  • A strongly worded email to whoeverwrotethehoperisingarticle@notexporeclarion.com (bounced back undelivered)
  • Multiple attempts to leave a one-star review for  Mountain Dew on Yelp
  • A 16-page letter to St. Peter about “protecting our sacred beverages from satire”
  • Creation of a Facebook group titled “PRAYER WARRIORS AGAINST MOUNTAIN DEW PERSECUTION!!!1!”

“I’ve documented every instance of unauthorized holy imagery,” explained Bergtau while organizing her binder of screenshot evidence about the alleged “Gamer’s Prayer” section and LED lighting. “And don’t even get me started on replacing communion crackers with Doritos. Everyone knows Jesus would have been a Cheetos guy.”

Local pastor Rev. Harold Harris reports receiving 37 voicemails from Bergtau asking whether Pastor Hannibal Hootsworth’s alleged “DEW-voted to Christ” program violates biblical law. “She keeps insisting that we need a heavenly focus group to determine if Baja Blast qualifies as a holy water substitute,” Harris sighed, “though I’m not entirely sure she understands that the article was clearly labeled ‘NOT ExploreClarion.'”

At press time, Bergtau was seen attempting to serve cease-and-desist papers to a vending machine she believed was mocking traditional baptism, while simultaneously sharing an unironic meme about Jesus turning water into Mountain Dew Code Red.

“If you don’t like McDonald’s or Wendy’s, you don’t run around posting despicable things about them,” Bergtau declared in her 178th comment of the day. “Technology was supposed to bring us together, not mock our sacred beverages!”

Bergtau was rumored to be drafting a Change.org petition titled “Do Better, Clarion County!!!” while simultaneously sharing an unironic post about Jesus being born on April 1st.