CLARION, Pa. (NOT) – Local resident and eternally optimistic Pittsburgh Pirates fan Jake Bauer, 73, announced with unwavering confidence at the Dew Drop Inn for the 31st consecutive year that “this is definitely the Pirates’ year.” Medical experts are baffled by Bauer’s ability to maintain this level of delusion while still being able to operate heavy machinery.

“He’s completely lost it,” observed longtime friend and voice of reason Zac Mechling, 63, of Clarion, shaking his head while watching Bauer organize his shrine to Bob Nutting. “I keep telling him Nutting won’t spend more than my weekly grocery budget on the entire roster, but Jake insists that’s just ‘smart business.'”

Bauer, who has maintained this steadfast belief since the Pirates’ last winning season in 1992, bases his prediction on what he calls “rock-solid evidence,” including a fortune cookie that said “success is coming” (though the other half was about learning Mandarin), a promising spring training game against his grandson’s T-ball team, and a new promotional bobblehead giveaway that he believes winked at him. “Plus,” Bauer added, “Bob Nutting promised to spend big this year. He wrote it on a napkin at the shareholders’ meeting I crashed dressed as a potted plant.”

“Look, I know what everyone’s saying, but this time it’s different,” declared Bauer, wearing his faded Andy Van Slyke jersey that he hasn’t washed since 1988 because “the luck might come out in the wash.” “We’ve got some real talent this year. Did you see that kid they drafted? He hit .220 in Double-A ball. That’s basically major league ready! And I’ve been practicing black magic. You should see what I can do with a Jason Kendall baseball card and an Iron City.”

Local superfan Eric Weiser of Wentlings Corners attempted to stage an intervention last month, bringing a PowerPoint presentation detailing Nutting’s spending habits compared to other MLB owners. “I showed him that the (expletive) Yankees’ bat boy makes more than our (expletive) starting rotation,” Weiser explained, “but (expletive) Jake just kept muttering something about (expletive) ‘moneyball’ and ‘market efficiency.'”

When reminded that the Pirates finished 76-86 last season, Bauer remained undeterred. “Those were character-building losses,” he explained, gesturing enthusiastically with a half-eaten Primanti Brothers sandwich. “Every loss is just the universe’s way of setting up the greatest comeback story since my third marriage. Besides, the Cubs went 108 years between World Series wins. We’re just getting warmed up!”

Local historians note that Bauer’s optimism has remained consistently high despite the Pirates’ record-setting streak of losing seasons, three different stadium names, and the complete turnover of the team’s roster approximately twelve times. He’s reportedly spent so much time at PNC Park that the stadium’s GPS system lists him as a permanent landmark. When asked about Nutting’s notorious cost-cutting measures, Bauer defended the owner’s strategy of selling star players for “magic beans and expired gift cards” as “playing the long game.”

“I’ve got a good feeling about this season,” Bauer continued, showing off his extensive collection of Pirates merchandise, including a partially digested baseball he claims was once fouled into his beer in 1987. “That’s Andrew McCutchen’s DNA in there somewhere,” he insisted, despite McCutchen being four years old at the time.

Bauer was recently seen purchasing playoff tickets for October, using his retirement savings and three goats he plans to sacrifice for good luck. Mechling later confirmed that Bauer had also written a check to Bob Nutting for “future considerations,” which Nutting immediately used to help fund another ski resort.