RIMERSBURG, Pa. (NOT) – In what might be the most questionable solution to rising egg prices since someone suggested teaching chickens to use the self-checkout at Walmart, local resident and self-proclaimed Taylor Swift superfan Dustin Kifer has launched OnlyHens.com, leaving many Clarion County residents scrambling to understand exactly what they’ve subscribed to.

“It’s simple,” explained Kifer from his barn-turned-production-studio, where chickens now have better lighting than the Clarion Walmart. “People pay to watch cats online all day. Why not chickens?”

The venture has caused considerable confusion among Clarion County’s older population. Earl Peterson, 73, of New Bethlehem, reported his disappointment after subscribing: “I just wanted to order some eggs for breakfast. Instead, I got a notification that ‘Hot Chick 227’ was going live. My wife’s still not speaking to me.”

The website offers three subscription tiers that have left local residents increasingly confused:

  • Basic Scratch ($5.99/month): “Watch chickens exist professionally”
  • Premium Peck ($14.99/month): “VIP access to exclusive nesting content”
  • Golden Egg ($29.99/month): “Private coop chat and personalized clucking sessions”

Margaret Wilson, 78, of Knox, found herself accidentally becoming a top subscriber. “I thought I was ordering from DoorDash,” she explained, showing reporters her phone. “Now I’m getting daily notifications about something called ‘Eggs Gone Wild,’ and my priest has concerns.”

The confusion spread to the Clarion County Courthouse when Commissioner Braxton White attempted to order breakfast for the monthly planning meeting. “I don’t know how it happened,” White admitted, “but now I’m apparently the VIP sponsor of a chicken named ‘Mother Clucker,’ and IT can’t figure out how to cancel it.”

“Listen, we’re bringing agriculture into the digital age,” Kifer defended, while helping his top performer adjust her rhinestone-studded feed bowl. “Besides, you try explaining to a chicken that she can’t actually become a TikTok influencer.”

When asked about his plans for expansion, Kifer mentioned he’s already in talks with Netflix about a new reality show: “The Real Househens of Rimersburg.” He just needs to convince his star chicken to stop pecking the camera whenever she hears “Action!”

This isn’t Kifer’s first attempt at solving local issues. In 2016, he proposed building a wall between Sligo and Rimersburg to reduce what he called “suspicious Dollar General traffic.” The proposal was rejected after officials pointed out that Kifer himself was spotted at both locations the same day, reportedly buying Taylor Swift merchandise and chicken feed.

DISCLAIMER: This is totally fake news. Like, really fake. So fake that even fake news calls it fake. If you’re looking for actual journalism, you took a wrong turn at Google.