CLARION, Pa. (NOT) – In what observers are calling “definitely the post that will change everything,” local resident Karen Thompson has once again informed Facebook that Clarion needs a grocery store, marking her 7,462nd such comment since 2019.

“I just feel like someone needs to say it,” Thompson wrote beneath a post about a lost cat, a pothole on Fifth Avenue, and fourteen unrelated community events. “What this town really needs is a grocery store.”

The groundbreaking revelation, which has never before been mentioned in any of the 47 daily Facebook threads about Clarion’s development, immediately garnered 342 responses of “THIS!” and “Someone finally said it!”

Local social media experts estimate that approximately 89% of all Clarion-related Facebook posts eventually devolve into complaints about grocery stores, regardless of the original topic.

“You could post about aliens landing on Main Street, and within three comments, someone would suggest putting a Giant Eagle where the spaceship landed,” noted social media analyst Dave Miller.

What’s Happening in Clarion reports that “We need a grocery store!” has officially surpassed “Does anyone know where the firetrucks are going?” as the most typed phrase in local history.

“I’ve developed a sophisticated algorithm,” explained Thompson, who has never contacted a real estate developer or attended a borough council meeting. “I just write ‘We need a grocery store’ on every post I see, and surely, eventually, a major supermarket chain will notice my comments and immediately invest millions in our community.”

At press time, Thompson was reportedly drafting her next groundbreaking comment: “You know what would really help? A Target.”

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