CLARION, Pa. (NOT) — In a bold move to attract a younger, more caffeinated congregation, Hope Rising Church announced plans to perform all future baptisms using Mountain Dew, with Pastor Hannibal Hootsworth, citing the need to “take salvation to the X-TREME.”

“Jesus turned water into wine, so we’re turning the baptismal font into liquid enlightenment,” declared Pastor Hootsworth. “Nothing says ‘born again’ like coming up from the Dew speaking in tongues and vibrating slightly.”

The church’s new “DEW-voted to Christ” program includes:

  • Choice of Original, Code Red, or Baja Blast baptisms
  • Free vape pen with every salvation
  • Communion crackers replaced with Doritos
  • Special “Gamer’s Prayer” section with LED lighting
  • Youth group renamed to “Christ’s Radical Disciples, Bro”

Local convert Kyle Matthews described his Mountain Dew baptism as “totally sick, dude,” noting that he “felt the Holy Spirit and also possibly heart palpitations.”

The church has also updated traditional hymns to appeal to their target demographic:

  • “Amazing Grace (Monster Energy Remix)”
  • “How Great Thou Art (Feat. DJ Holy Spirit)”
  • “Just as I Am (But More Extreme)”

Health officials have expressed concern about the sugar content of the baptismal Dew, but church leaders insist that “salvation shouldn’t taste like regular water.” The church has also installed emergency defibrillators and hired a part-time dentist.

At press time, Pastor Hootsworth was seen attempting to convince the church board that “Jesus would’ve definitely done sick BMX tricks,” while proposing to replace the church pews with gaming chairs.

DISCLAIMER: This is totally fake news. Like, really fake. So fake that even fake news calls it fake. If you’re looking for actual journalism, you took a wrong turn at Google.