CLARION, Pa. (NOT) – In what observers are calling “The Great Clothing Crisis of 2025,” Clarion County Commissioner Ted Tharan has declared a state of fashion emergency following the surprise appointment of John Fetterman to replace former Commissioner Braxton White.

“I saw him walking in wearing shorts and a Carhartt hoodie, and I nearly spilled my perfectly starched tie collection,” said a visibly shaken Tharan, who immediately called an emergency session to address what he termed “this unprecedented assault on business casual.”

The hastily implemented dress code, spanning 473 pages and written entirely in Comic Sans, includes such vital regulations as:

  • No shorts (this line appears 147 times in bold)
  • Hoodies must be at least 3 pieces and include a cummerbund
  • Minimum height for dress socks: knee-level
  • Mandatory bow tie Tuesdays
  • Emergency backup suit must be kept in office at all times
  • Tattoos must be covered with pictures of smaller, more professional tattoos

Fetterman, who towers over his fellow commissioners at 6’8″, responded to the new dress code by showing up the next day in a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt. “I thought this was a compromise,” he said, while Commissioner Wayne Brosius tried to avoid being caught in group photos looking like a garden gnome next to his new colleague.

The situation escalated when Fetterman suggested casual Fridays.

 “Next thing you know, he’ll want to replace our water cooler with Sheetz coffee,” Tharan said.

In response to the growing tension, Brosius has taken to wearing increasingly elaborate suits to compensate, appearing at the latest meeting in what witnesses described as “what would happen if the Monopoly man robbed a Men’s Warehouse.”

The commissioners’ office has since been divided into two distinct climate zones: the “Fetterman Zone,” maintained at a brisk 50 degrees to accommodate hoodies, and the “Tharan Territory,” kept at a precise 72.4 degrees to prevent wrinkles in mandatory three-piece suits.

“I just don’t understand why we can’t all dress like respectable public servants,” said Brosius. “Is it too much to ask for everyone to wear their Sunday best while reviewing tax reassessment proposals?”

Fetterman’s response was to propose conducting all future meetings via Zoom, but only showing his shoulders up, leaving everyone to wonder what he’s wearing. “Could be shorts, could be a tuxedo,” he grinned. “It’s Schrödinger’s dress code.”

At press time, Brosius was seen drafting a new emergency ordinance requiring all county employees to wear powdered wigs, while Fetterman had somehow managed to get his hoodie officially recognized as black tie formal wear.

The next commissioners’ meeting has been rescheduled to accommodate a mandatory fashion show, where Brosius and Tharan will demonstrate proper tie-knotting techniques while Fetterman plans to debut his new line of formal cargo shorts.

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