CLARION, Pa. (NOT) — In a stunning turn of events that has left scientists scratching their heads and local politicians patting themselves on the back, Clarion County Commissioners have proven that thoughts and prayers are the ultimate solution to every conceivable problem.

Commissioner Wayne Brosius led the groundbreaking research by thinking really hard about problems while sitting in his office. “I’ve developed a revolutionary technique,” Brosius announced proudly. “First, you furrow your brow, then you say ‘that’s concerning,’ and finally, you think about maybe doing something someday. It’s foolproof!”

Commissioner Braxton White demonstrated the methodology’s effectiveness by prayer-bombing a pothole on Main Street. “Watch this,” White said, closing his eyes and clasping his hands. “Dear Lord, please fix this infrastructure issue that we could actually address with proper funding and planning.” The pothole remained unchanged, which White interpreted as a clear sign that more thoughts and prayers were needed.

Commissioner Ted Tharan, not to be outdone, unveiled his own innovation: the “Triple T” approach – “Think Thoughts Thoroughly.” “It’s quite simple,” Tharan explained while staring intensely at a budget deficit. “If we all think hard enough about problems disappearing, they technically still exist, but we feel better about not addressing them.”

The commissioners have already implemented their groundbreaking strategy across multiple sectors:

  • Economic Development: Replaced actual business incentives with positive vibes
  • Infrastructure: Substituted road repairs with earnest hand-wringing
  • Public Services: Exchanged concrete action with heartfelt concern

“We’ve saved thousands in taxpayer dollars by replacing actual solutions with concentrated hoping,” the commissioners announced in a joint statement, delivered while mentally willing the county’s problems away.

When asked about measurable results, the commissioners pointed to their impressive collection of “We’re Very Concerned” certificates, each personally signed with thoughts AND prayers.

At press time, the commissioners were seen in an emergency session, thinking and praying about why thinking and praying hasn’t fixed everything yet. They’ve scheduled another meeting to think about scheduling a meeting to pray about why that might be.

Scientists are still studying how the commissioners managed to elevate doing nothing into an art form, while local residents have started a betting pool on how many more thoughts and prayers it will take to actually fix anything.

The commissioners concluded the press conference by announcing their new county motto: “Clarion County: Where Tomorrow’s Problems Are Today’s Thoughts and Prayers.”

DISCLAIMER: This is totally fake news. Like, really fake. So fake that even fake news calls it fake. If you’re looking for actual journalism, you took a wrong turn at Google.