CLARION, Pa. (NOT) — The Autumn Leaf Festival Committee announced today that traditional carnival rides will be replaced with 247 Pennsylvania skills games machines, citing local demand and “that one guy who hasn’t left Valero since Easter.”

“Who needs a Ferris wheel when you can watch digital monkeys climb bamboo for eight straight hours?” said festival organizer Tracy Decker, while installing a direct ATM line to the courthouse. “Besides, these games actually require skill, unlike those rigged carnival games where you throw rings at bottles.”

The new “ALF Skills Paradise” will feature:

  • The former Scrambler pad converted to “Lucky Buddha’s Fortune Palace”
  • A Pepperoni Roll food truck exclusively for players who can’t leave their machines
  • Emergency payday loan services next to the funnel cake stand
  • A dedicated Mountain Dew IV drip station
  • Marriage counseling booth (now accepting walk-ins)

Local father Terry Schmidt, who lost his children’s college fund at the Gas-N-Go last month, expressed enthusiasm for the change. “This is my chance to win it all back,” she said, while pawning his wedding ring. “These carnival rides just go in circles, but these games? They’re going somewhere. I can feel it.”

The festival’s traditional parade will now feature a procession of mobility scooters driven by dedicated players who refuse to leave their machines, led by the newly crowned “Princess of Skills,” a local woman who claims she’s “just about to hit the bonus round” since July.

Health officials have prepared for the event by stockpiling carpal tunnel braces and establishing a temporary “Gaming Anonymous” meeting tent, conveniently located next to the “Just One More Try” financing center.

“It’s what the people want,” insisted Mayor Bob Wilson, while testing machines for “looseness.” “Besides, nothing says ‘fall festival’ like the sound of a thousand people simultaneously yelling ‘I almost had it!’ at digital fruit.”

The festival committee was considering replacing the annual ALF run with a “Button-Pushing Marathon,” noting that most participants were already in training at local gas stations.

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